Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
