Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
