I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Randomize
