I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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