i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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