The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
