If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize