I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
