I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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