craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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