I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
