We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
