My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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