I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
