i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
