I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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