you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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