Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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