can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize