dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
