My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
