Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
