hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
