That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
