The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize