WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
