when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
