He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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