it hurts more in the daytime
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
