She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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