I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
