She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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