Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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