Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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