i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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