I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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