Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
