I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
