the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
