Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
