we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
