On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
