Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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