Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
