i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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