I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
