I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
How does one acquire holy water?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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