we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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