I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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