I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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