listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
