babies were throwing up all over the place
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
