Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He kissed a someone with a penis
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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