1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
