You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
