Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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