I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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