Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
what day is it and did you see me today?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
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