I wish my penis had an off switch
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
