We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
