is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you never un-have a 4some
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
