I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize