At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
