I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize