Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
